Drunken Ben Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Screwed U.S. Economy Really Is
The intoxicated Federal Reserve chairman informs bar patrons of the dangers of reckless spending.SEWARD, NE—Claiming he wasn't afraid to let everyone in attendance know about "the real mess we're in," Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke reportedly got drunk Tuesday and told everyone at Elwood's Corner Tavern about how absolutely fucked the U.S. economy actually is.
Bernanke, who sources confirmed was "totally sloshed," arrived at the drinking establishment at approximately 5:30 p.m., ensconced himself upon a bar stool, and consumed several bottles of Miller High Life and a half-dozen shots of whiskey while loudly proclaiming to any patron who would listen that the economic outlook was "pretty goddamned awful if you want the God's honest truth."
"Look, they don't want anyone except for the Washington, D.C. bigwigs to know how bad shit really is," said Bernanke, slurring his words as he spoke. "Mounting debt exacerbated—and not relieved—by unchecked consumption, spiraling interest rates, and the grim realities of an inevitable worldwide energy crisis are projected to leave our entire economy in the shitter for, like, a generation, man, I'm telling you."
"And hell, as long as we're being honest, I might as well tell you that a truer estimate of the U.S. unemployment rate is actually up around 16 percent, with a 0.7 percent annual rate of economic growth if we're lucky—if we're lucky," continued Bernanke, nearly knocking a full beer over while gesturing with his hands. "Of course, if everybody knew that, it would likely cripple financial markets across the entire fucking globe, even in various emerging economies with self- sustaining growth."
After launching into an extended 45-minute diatribe about shortsighted moves by "those bastards in Congress" that could potentially exacerbate the nation's already deeply troublesome budget imbalance, the Federal Reserve chairman reportedly bought a round of tequila shots for two customers he had just met who were seated on either side of him, announcing, "I love these guys."
Numerous bar patrons slowly nodded in agreement as Bernanke went on to suggest the United States could pass three or four more stimulus packages and "it wouldn't even matter."
"You think that's going to create long-term economic growth, let alone promote job creation?" Bernanke said. "We're way beyond that, my friend. There are no jobs, okay? There's nothing. I think that calls for another drink, don't you?"
While using beer bottles and pretzel sticks in an attempt to explain to the bartender the importance of infusing $650 billion into the bond market, the inebriated Fed chairman nearly fell off his stool and had to be held up by the patron sitting next to him.
Another bargoer confirmed Bernanke stood about 2 inches from her face and sprayed her with saliva, claiming inflation was going to "totally screw" consumer confidence and then asking if he could bum a smoke.
"Sure, we could hold down long-term interest rates and pursue a program of quantitative easing, but c'mon, we all know that's not going to make the slightest bit of difference when it comes to output, demand, or employment," Bernanke said before being told to "try to keep [his] voice down" by the bartender. "And trust me, with the value of the U.S. dollar in the toilet, import costs going through the roof, and numerous world governments unprepared for their own substantial debt burdens, shit's not looking too good for us abroad, either."
"God, I'm so wasted," added Bernanke, resting his head on the bar.
Later in the evening, Richard Kampman, a truck driver who was laid off in 2010, said Bernanke approached him in the men's restroom and attempted to strike up a conversation about various factors contributing to the current financial crisis.
"He stumbled up to the urinal and started mumbling on about the depressed housing sector or something," said Kampman, who claimed Bernanke had to use both hands on the wall to steady himself. "Then after a while he just sort of stopped and I couldn't tell if he was laughing or crying."
"Then he puked all over the sink and the mirror," Kampman added.
Customers at the bar told reporters the "shitfaced" and disruptive Bernanke refused to pay for his drinks with U.S. currency, claiming it was "worthless." Witnesses also confirmed that near the end of the evening, Bernanke put money into the jukebox and selected Dire Straits' "Money For Nothing" to play five times in a row.
"This is what it's all about," said Bernanke, who reportedly danced alone in the middle of the dark tavern. "Fucking love this song."
China Agrees To Erase Portion Of U.S. Debt If Americans Dress Up In Costumes And Perform Silly Dance For Them
Chinese president Hu Jintao said Americans should begin thinking of dance steps now.BEIJING—In what it's describing as a magnanimous gesture toward an economy in decline, the Chinese government announced Monday it would forgive a portion of the staggering U.S. debt if Americans agreed to dress up in costumes and perform silly dances for their amusement.
With his nation holding $1.16 trillion in federal bonds and the U.S. showing no signs of ending its dependence on foreign credit, President Hu Jintao told reporters that allowing Americans to ease their fiscal burden in proportion to the number and quality of colorful dance numbers they perform is a mutually beneficial arrangement for both countries.
"Our great nation has generously agreed to decrease the considerable financial obligations of the United States," said Hu, standing before an enormous rack containing elaborate dance attire such as sequined vests and metallic lamé pants. "All we ask in return is that Americans put on outfits such as these and amuse us with buffoonish little kicks and twirls, preferably while slapping their big fat tummies. The U.S. will receive much needed debt relief, and China will enjoy watching the graceless flailing of decadent capitalists."
Addressing Americans directly, Hu continued: "In the seconds it will take you to object, your nation will slip hundreds of thousands of dollars further into our debt. That will mean 50 more of your countrymen having to put on a George Washington costume with a skirt and prance around with big smiles and heavily rouged cheeks while we pelt them with bits of your worthless currency from the windows of the Chinese embassy."
While Hu offered few specific rules to govern the debt-reduction scheme, he did provide a number of guidelines that he said would affect the amount deducted. Large, ambitious routines—the entire population of Ohio dressed in bright green leotards doing a high-stepping jig with Big Macs stuffed in their mouths, for example—could shave $20 billion from the debt in a matter of minutes. Meanwhile, smaller groups of Americans and even individuals could do their part by dressing up as cancan dancers and performing a kick line in front of the Vietnam Memorial, or by painting the Mandarin character for 'gorilla' on their faces and jumping up and down on their desks at work like "great big immoral apes."
Hu added that the dollar value of all dances could be increased by incorporating chants such as "I have no work ethic," "Look at what our pathetic democracy has done to us," and "I am so fat I must drive an SUV to go purchase a prostitute" into the routine. Conversely, acts may be disqualified entirely if professional dancers are employed or if participants do not seem suitably engaged in their performance.
Hu later confirmed that wearing brightly colored hats with bells on them could only help.
"All dancers will be required to demonstrate an exceptional level of commitment," said Hu, adding that, should a very large American dress up in a form-fitting outfit with his stomach hanging visibly over his waistband, and then pass out from physical exertion while his overweight children dance around him, an extra $12 million would be instantly knocked off the tab. "It will be insufficient to go through the motions. Any dancer who hand jives without proper rehearsal and a big smile is wasting his time."
"That is especially important," Hu added. "We want nice, big smiles from America."
Although any U.S. citizen is eligible to participate in the program, dances performed by members of the armed forces or practitioners of Tibetan Buddhism will be considered more valuable. Persons holding high office in the federal government stand to make the largest financial impact, especially, Hu said, if all 535 members of Congress perform a Yiddish bottle dance during his next state visit.
"I do not savor what I am going to do this evening," said a solemn President Obama, sitting at his Oval Office desk in the tiger-striped scoop neck he will wear for a salsa performance expected to cut the American debt by a whopping $30 billion. "I know that my partner, Speaker Boehner, shares my reluctance, but that we will both do what we must for the financial well-being of our country."
"But let me be clear," added a defiant Obama, the beads on his lacy sleeve jiggling as he emphatically pointed at the camera. "The United States will never dance for any nation on earth more than once. There will be no encore."
© Copyright 2011, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.
Widening Gap Between Rich And Super-Rich Threatening American Dream
GREENWICH, CT—Statistics say that America is more prosperous than ever, but you'd never know it from looking at the horse stables tucked behind the kidney-shaped pool in Fred and Mary Lipton's backyard on Shady Lane.
"We keep meaning to expand them," sighs Mary Lipton, 45, a member of the Greenwich Arts Society and mother of three. "But Freddie's firm has lost several of its corporate clients recently, and we're having a hard enough time making the payments on Crystal Waves [their Bridgehampton home]. When does 'trickle-down economics' trickle down to us?"
The Liptons are at the short end of an alarming trend in America: the ever-widening gap between the rich and super-rich. According to Treasury Department statistics, the wealthiest .01 percent of the American population holds 20 percent of the nation's wealth, or $270 trillion, an amount more than two times the holdings of the next richest .09 percent combined.
The current disparity is an alarming indicator of things to come, according to Martin Hubbell, professor of macroeconomics at Yale University. "A healthy capitalist economy should not concentrate so much of its wealth in the hands of so few," Hubbell said. "I mean, it should concentrate it in the hands of a few, but not so few."
The burgeoning gulf is strikingly apparent on streets like Shady Lane. At its north end, two permanently manned guardhouses mark the entrances to two palatial estates, each more than 5,000 acres, and each just one of many properties owned by its inhabitants.
Yet only a scant two miles away, on Shady Lane's dreaded "South Side," 25-room dwellings like the Liptons' huddle pathetically a few yards from the pavement, the desired effect of their décor often undermined, the nearest neighbor usually less than a furlong away. Unlike the super-rich, with their dozen or so properties across the globe, these owners are but one, two, or at most three catastrophic fires away from utter homelessness.
The close proximity of rich and super-rich is a source of frequent tension, according to Mary Lipton. "There is no doubt in my mind that a lot of [the super-rich] would be very happy to keep us in these slums," she said with a tinge of bitterness in her voice. "Either that, or they just don't want to know about us. It's like, 'Well, as long as I don't have to see them or go into their neighborhood, I can pretend that everything is fine, that everybody has a membership at Pebble Beach and Augusta like me.' It's really palpable. Their maids even act like they're as good as we are."
Indeed, Professor Hubbell detects signs of a budding class-warfare in this year's electoral results. "Ninety-six percent of those with $4 million or more in annual earnings voted for Bob Dole," he observed. "But among those whose income is between $1 and $4 million, the figure plummets to 90 percent. We are dealing with a politics of resentment, and it's going to get ugly."
The owner of one of Shady Lane's two tony northern properties sees no cause for panic in the statistics. "As we say in my industry, a rising tide lifts all ships," said Henry Humphries, a shipping magnate worth an estimated $750 million. "It just takes some time, that's all. Look, I made $45 million last year, and I bought all my executives BMWs. Would I have liked to have bought them Rolls Royces? Of course. But I have to acquire other companies with that money so I can continue to make money so that they can continue to make money. That's what makes the world go around."
But Minnie "Bubbles" DeLaroue, a wealthy widow and Humphries' neighbor across the creek, is quick to acknowledge the problem. The billionairess is founder of Reaching Out, a charity organization dedicated to improving the lives of the less fortunate. "We all need to give back to the rich," said DeLaroue. "My husband believed that what made America truly great was people reaching out to other people, lending them a hand or a houseboat or whatever it takes. In the end, having lots and lots of money isn't nearly as important as just having lots of money."
China Warns of U.S. "Debt Bomb"
Posted by Brittany Stepniak - Wednesday, August 3rd, 2011It's true, the debt limit debacle did end in compromise on Tuesday. But the Chinese warn of another truth we may be overlooking: this isn't an end-all solution, and yesterday's decision may simply delay the inevitable...a time bomb is ticking away in Washington, with the ability to strip the United States of its status as a global superpower while sending the economy in an even deeper hole.
With its debt already almost equaling its gross domestic product, the United States, as a major anchor of the increasingly globalized world economy and the issuer of the dominant international reserve currency, needs to roll out more responsible and effective measures to balance its budget and restore the economic health of itself and the world.
Should Washington continue turning a blind eye to its runaway debt addiction, its already tarnished credibility will lose more luster, which might eventually detonate the debt bomb and jeopardize the well-being of hundreds of millions of families within and beyond the U.S. borders.
While trying to locate an exit out of the drink-poison-to-quench-thirst quagmire, U.S. politicians should also conduct some serious soul-searching in the wake of the protracted ordeal, which could have been far less dreadful. After all, it is already the 79th time in half a century that Washington has raised its debt ceiling.
Should Washington continue turning a blind eye to its runaway debt addiction, its already tarnished credibility will lose more luster, which might eventually detonate the debt bomb and jeopardize the well-being of hundreds of millions of families within and beyond the U.S. borders.
While trying to locate an exit out of the drink-poison-to-quench-thirst quagmire, U.S. politicians should also conduct some serious soul-searching in the wake of the protracted ordeal, which could have been far less dreadful. After all, it is already the 79th time in half a century that Washington has raised its debt ceiling.
We've said it before: the government needs to buckle down to fight for the fate of America. One simple compromise won't suffice for long-term repair and success. Fresh thinking and more sizable, sustainable solutions are crucial. Until then, China's standing by -- waiting for our debt bomb to blast us into inferiority.
Nonetheless, China has a lot invested in the monetary fate of America as well. Afterall, China is the United States' largest foreign creditor with roughly $1.5 trillion in America's government debt.
Foreign minister spokesman Hong Lei was quoted on the issue; "hoping" that the United States would step it up, act responsibly, and cautiously implement policies to take measures that will "guarantee the interests of investors."
The New York Times shares their input on the complex dynamics between the two nations:
Over the long run, many economists say the structural imbalances on both sides of the Chinese-American debt symbiosis could be disastrous. Already, for example, many say that those dynamics helped create the global financial crisis by artificially creating the low interest rates that let housing prices reach bubble-bursting levels.
*Previously indented excerpts from English.new.cn
Tidak ada komentar:
Posting Komentar